Update 1: I’ve officially hit 22 weeks! I’m only two weeks away from already being in the third trimester, which feels so crazy. Baby has definitely had a growth spurt and LOVES to kick all day. I can feel his kicks at work, on a walk, sitting on the couch, and laying down for bed at night. I have an anterior placenta placement, meaning the egg implanted closer to my spine than my belly button, making kicks harder to feel especially in the early weeks and is also probably why I’m feeling some lower back pains. However, I’m far past when the first kicks can be felt, and it’s probably why I didn’t notice them right around when they typically start happening either. When Apollo first started kicking it kinda just felt like a gas bubble in my stomach or something, but now I can really differentiate when it’s him vs. digestion! It’s pretty cute to feel his kicks and I always talk to him and rub my belly when he nudges me. 🙂 Outside of the usual symptoms, not much has changed. Bump is still relatively small, I’m still pretty tired and naps are common, and back pain gets better and worse depending on the day. I’ve tried to stay on my feet and do more ab exercises (next weeks post will include workout tips for expecting mothers!) which have seemed to help with the pain. Every day I am getting more and more excited to meet our little baby. Aaron and I talk about how we just want to hang out with him, have tummy time, and go around town to the grocery store and all over basically and just bring him with us! We are excited to have a little buddy and get to know him, see him smile, and watch him learn how to grow and navigate life outside the womb.
Update 2: It’s officially 23 weeks! Things are normal and the only things I have to watch out for are making sure I’m eating consistently – otherwise I get sick and nauseous. This is mostly happening because I’m getting busier at work and gone from home longer. And making sure I sleep comfortably to avoid that back pain! Outside of that – we are going strong!
Update 3: 6 months is here! I had a 6 month appt where we talked about labor, complications, and had some questions answered. I was happy to find out I am able to workout as soon as I feel comfortable enough post birth, and some of my symptoms are normal. Like weird things – itchy legs and arms, itchy ears, and if water birth is an option for me. Turns out my hospital doesn’t offer it, but they do have jacuzzis for labor before giving birth at the least. I’ve heard it helps with contractions and relaxing. I’m learning how to do birth pushes & practicing kegels every day. Also – I officially popped a baby belly bump! Took 6 months, but he’s showing more than ever! And still active as ever kicking around. Low back pain is persistent and frequent bathroom trips, but I’m used to it now. Tried on some clothes this week which was a little challenging body image wise. I love my bump when it’s out of clothes, but in clothes it’s a little different. I’ll get there mentally. Mental health has seen improvements from week 22-23 which has been a relief 🙂
Let’s talk about mental health and motherhood. Our bodies are going through a series of crazy changes right now both hormonally and physically which can have an impact on our emotions and moods. Being pregnant is typically a time where women are commonly happy and expected to be in a good mood, because of being pregnant. There’s not as much talk about the other moods we might experience during pregnancy and I’m here to shed some light on that. When I was younger, late teen years, I suffered from three different mental health issues. An eating disorder first, followed by anxiety a year later that turned into depression. It took me about two years to get out of my funk, and it’s taken a lot of personal growth and work to become happier. After moving to Colorado and having the ability to become more independent and make choices for myself, combined with self-studying therapy, neuroscience and psychology, as well as health & fitness, and some incredible people in my life who have always been supportive, I became the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, even through facing some of the greatest challenges I’ve experienced. I’ve continued to maintain my happiness even through hard moments, and focus largely on gratitude and healthy coping mechanisms I developed over the years. For me personally, pharmaceuticals were detrimental to my mental health improvement and I did better without them. I know for others that is not the case, and it’s important for me to iterate that it’s different for everyone. I’m telling you this background of my experience before pregnancy because I will never forget what my mental health felt like back then. During pregnancy, there have been 3-4 moments where my mood has dropped back to the moments of when I was younger, which shocked me. I haven’t felt like that in years and thankfully, being mentally stronger than I was a few years ago, I am able to look at my emotions from a detached standpoint, and realize that I might be just feeling a feeling, and allow to come and pass. I am able to realize that this is most likely from my hormones changing, but that doesn’t keep me from calling a friend and asking for some support. Perinatal depression can be very real and dangerous for mothers and it’s important to talk about.
When I go through these waves, they have lasted me a few days in a row. I get pent up about 3 things: fears, comparisons, and tears that largely stem from my fears.
- My fears are normal and valid fears that I believe several mothers also think of and go through during pregnancy. I’m afraid of the physical pains of labor, of complications that could happen to both me and Apollo, I’m afraid of tearing/episiotomy/stitching (if that happens to occur), the “right way” to do birth (water birth vs regular birth vs c section and so on), what breastfeeding can do to my body and if it will hurt or be challenging, postpartum depression, and knowing what the baby needs when they can’t yet talk. But these are just fears, and focusing on them takes away from the present moment, that is surely more beautiful than my future anxieties.
- Comparisons creep into my brain pretty rarely, but here and there they do. I think about what a baby bump should look like at certain points, about how old I am vs other mothers or life stages of pregnancy, and also how many kids I personally want vs. how many kids I see other people have. It’s sort of a feeling of, am I doing this right? am I normal? are my choices okay?, which the answer to every worried mom is yes. Of course you are doing this right, you were made for this. Every woman, baby, pregnancy, and family scenario is unique and we can all choose to do things our own way and that’s okay. We just have to remind ourselves of this as we go through the days and thoughts and conversations with others.
- And then there come the tears, which is so common. Weepiness is such a normal thing during pregnancy, and our hormones are to blame for this. For me, they can come out of literally anywhere, but more likely than not something small sets me off being a little upset and in turn I want to cry immediately, which also makes me laugh! I’m not a big crier, and laughing always lightens my mood. Plus, half the time, I’m wondering what I’m even teary about, ha! The other half though, there are valid feelings behind the tears. Sometimes, realizing there are parts of my life that may never be the same again or parts of my life that I didn’t feel like I was ready to let go of yet gets me down, and other times my fears overtake my thoughts and I have some emotional overwhelm that causes them, but again this happens only during those 3 day waves of a bad mood.
How do I cope and get out of a funk?
The most important take away from all of this is how to continue on and not get stuck here.
- First of all I remember how lucky I am to have a loving husband, supportive family, a great life situation to raise a child and a healthy baby. The bases are covered, and I have literally everything I need to create a wonderful life for my child and family. I am so blessed in knowing and having that, and reminding myself of that daily is helpful especially during a mood swing.
- Taking responsibility and truly accepting what it means to have a family and be a mother created a more purposeful feeling in my life that was definitely missing before I was pregnant. My priorities and values have adjusted a bit, and surprisingly made me a lot happier and fulfilled even though I didn’t think before being pregnant that these things would make me happier.
- I have a newfound motivation and drive to be successful in my career, in my personal goals, and at home. Not only do I want to be a great mom, but I want to show my son an example of an excellent relationship between his parents, and the importance of taking actions towards following your dreams and making things happen for your family, instead of just encouraging him to do the same when he gets older. I want to be an example for him of how to lead a fulfilling, fun, and enjoyable life. Knowing how much I want this for him, makes it easier for me to keep going and believe that I can do amazing things for our family.
- Doing things for myself, and only myself. Getting my nails or hair done, taking a bath, getting a facial or talking to someone I love are all helpful. So is snuggling my dog or eating a comfort food meal now and then that I really enjoy! Placing a priority on what I want to do now and then gives me a little peace and I know that it’ll be a good habit to have later on when I will be actually parenting. It’s hard to prioritize yourself even without kids, so practicing early on will be good for your habits and good for your mental health.
- Learning to be more playful was something I learned from quarantine, that I hadn’t quite mastered beforehand. I’m a bit of a go-go-go person who only takes breaks to eat and sleep. I learned to relax more, play, laugh, and stop taking life SO seriously for once. This was probably one of the best things for me mentally. I chase my dog around the house to play with her toys, I have more food freedom because I’m no longer competing, I watch silly shows on tv, spend time on pinterest building my dream home, jam to music or spend time in the sun, take Penny for more walks, and mess around with Aaron after he’s done with work (he secretly likes being bugged by me, I swear 🙂 ), and just in general take more time to slow down. Listening to comedy on Youtube instead of an educational podcast was another fun swap here and there.
- Being vulnerable enough to talk to someone I can trust, that I know will meet me with love, compassion, listening, and advice if I need it. I have had a habit of keeping feelings to myself and working through them on my own because I value my privacy and don’t want others to feel like I am a burden. This has been a lifelong thing for me. But I have noticed that my funks tend to fade when I call someone close to me and express my feelings. My family and friends help me work through these feelings when I talk to them about it, and my fears dissipate in knowing that my support system is here for me, and that everything will be okay. Like Marie Forleo says, everything is figure-out-able. So if you’re feeling stuck or having hard day, try to verbalize. If you’re uncomfortable with telling people, try journaling. That has also helped me tons when I have feelings I don’t feel comfortable sharing.
- Finding communities on social media or in real life that understand the feelings of motherhood and normalize them. Here are a few Instagram accounts I follow that are helpful & hyperlinked, @Postpartum, @mombrain.therapist, @raisegoodkids, @ourmamavillage, and @moomysmilk. I’ve found a few others, but these are the ones I have found the biggest value from following!
I share all of this with you because I want expecting mothers to know it’s so normal to not always feel like you’re at your 100%. It’s going to be okay, you can get through this with help and good habits. Most of the time, I am overjoyed, excited, and ready to be a mom and have a family with my husband that I love so much. I can’t believe how beautiful it is that we created a mini version of the two of us and I’m beyond excited to meet him. But I am still human, just like everyone else on the planet, and I still have feelings, off moments, and imperfect days. Other expecting mamas or already mamas, if you experience this and need someone to talk to, I’ve never understood mothers more than I do now, and I haven’t even gone through birth yet, but I’m here for you and want to be a support system to you too. Much love mamas!
Resilient & Radiant 